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troubled life

“Tell Me”

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“Tell Me”

Tell me. I’ll listen. I may not care, but I will listen. Tell me. I may not have solutions but if you like, I can offer opinions. Either way, if you tell me, I will listen.

What’s on your mind? Tell me your thoughts. Express your fears. I have the time, the patience and two healthy ears. Tell me. I’m here. It’s late in October and Halloween will soon come only to quickly disappear, but God willing, for you, I will continue to be here.

Is it the bogeyman you fear? Do you always feel him near? Is he of flesh and blood or does he roam around between your ears? Tell me. I want to hear, for I too have had my own fears.

Nothing to say? Okay. Have it your way. Since you chose not to speak, to give you a glimpse of what I see, I will give you a sneak peek. Frustration, pain, and confusion are exuding your pores, while anger and fear are holding on tight until you put them in gear.

The gun you are holding, more than once, has caressed your left and right ear. You’ve tasted its barrel. You appear to have a low regard for life, for you always put yours in peril. How do I know this? That answer comes with a twist. I am you. Your inner child with an adult voice. Yes. That voice. When fighting your demons, in your head, I make the most noise. Why then do you choose to ignore me? Tell me. I’m here. I’m always here.

Is that the bogeyman I hear? Mine lies in your head. Yes, the same one that says you are better off dead. It constantly yells in my ear. It intends to feed me his shit and fill my being with fear. At times, I feel your frustration, pain, and confusion. Watching you suffer throughout the years, with the support of people who listened, I have learned to build faith. Where there is faith, there is no room for fear.

Tell me. I’ll listen. For you, against your demons, I will continue to fight. If you give me a chance and you choose to listen, in your darkest hours, my noise will convert into light, which will guide you through life and prepare you for even the toughest fight.

Please put the gun down and tell me you will listen.

“No Time for That”

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“No Time For That”

As I lay here, full of anguish and pain, I think of all I have done, solely for my personal gain.

I think of my mother, who has her own pain. At times I do wonder, if visiting me, increases her pain or perhaps brings her fear.

One thing I know, I wish she were here. Sitting beside me, sharing her pain and expressing her fear.

My mind and body are awakened by pain. Trying to sleep, I start counting sheep. Wanting to weep but unwilling to cry, more times than not, I wish I would die.

My flesh wounds are deep. My emotional ones are deeper. Many nights have passed, when I see the Grim Reaper. No time for that. No time for that.

My existence is real and I am here for a reason. I fight every day and like a good soldier, I don’t commit treason.

I ride every day. Time after time, beaten and bruised, I am dethroned from my saddle. Day after day, in this thing called life, I continue to battle.

I appear to be healthy, but I am broken inside. Today was divine and I did see the sign. For God sent an Angel, to pray by my side.

Signs from God have been many, all of which I’ve ignored. No time for that. No time for that.

What other signs will come? Will there even be any? Perhaps at least one? Was my Angel correct? Was this my last one?

As I bathe in my sorrow, I think of tomorrow. What will life hold should I choose to change? What if I don’t? Will I live from spare change? No time for that. No time for that.

I know it’s not easy but the choice is mine. When I seek God’s help, he sends many signs. He invites me to dinner and he always serves wine. Once I accept, I know in my heart, that I will be fine.

In silence, I tell myself “Help yourself out. God will be with you, day in and day out.” I will make time for that. I must make time for that.