“Let It Go”
“Let It Go”
Why do you insist on holding on to something that makes you suffer? Let it go. It’s time. Your being deserves peace. It wants you to prosper. It urgently needs you to grow. Let it go.
pain
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“I Am Blooming”
“I Am Blooming”
I am blooming. My wounds are no longer open. They are no longer bleeding. Not even a trickle. I do feel a copious flow stemming from their roots, but it carries nothing but love, forgiveness, and admiration. Yes, even for you, the person whom I feared would one day be responsible for my cremation.
Year after year, by your side, I lived in fear. “Mommy, are you ok?” is a sound I long to hear. Thanks to you, our son is no longer here. I can’t explain why, but I feel comfort and joy knowing that from that hell, he somehow departed. You became even more furious, for by a young boy, you were clearly outsmarted.
His courage and determination gave me the strength to finally break free. I thank him every day, wherever he may be. Is he secretly looking for me? This is something I think of often. Does he know where you are? At times, I wonder if he knows you made your own coffin.
I wish he could see me now, for I am blooming. Yes, I am in full bloom. A never ending bloom. Unbeknownst to me, when you inflicted pain upon my open flesh, God was seeding forgiveness and love. The more pain you inflicted, the more help I received from above.
Yes, I am in a never ending bloom. Thanks to God, my root system became deeply rooted in my heart. Oddly enough, the roots broke through my being, the day our son decided to depart. Did he know him leaving would heal my flesh wounds, and mend my broken heart?
When we met, the evil inside you wore a disguise. Even so, it should not have caught me by surprise. It did. Thankfully, your continued attempts to hurt me only strengthened my roots. Would our son approve of your orange jumpsuits?
None of that matters any longer. What does matter is that I am blooming. Yes, enduring all the pain you inflicted upon me made you weak, and it made me stronger. I am blooming.
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“Pain”
“Pain”
You can’t have rainbows without rain. You can’t sculpt your body without pain. You can buy beauty for a day, but if your boyfriend makes you cry, it may simply wash away. If it makes it through the day, you can cry yourself to sleep, while you wish for it to stay.
You can keep ignoring your pain. You can disguise your tears by crying in the rain. Your desire to fill your emotional void with meaningless purchases will eventually mess with your brain. That urge alone can consume your life. It may even drive you insane.
Life and death cannot exist without each other. Neither can stars and space. You can try all you want, but you will never avoid the scars of life that will eventually take up residence on your apparent pretty face.
We are all born into this world as tiny and fragile creatures. Some more fortunate than others. Many have natural beauty, while others have a face that can only be loved by their mother. Sadly, many more go through life wishing they had the charm and body of another.
Your beauty lies inside you. If you continually attempt to buy it, you will never be satisfied. Take a look inside. Take the time to enjoy the splendor of a rainbow. Express your pain. Stop hiding your tears in the rain.
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“Last Breath”
“Last Breath”
Yesterday, outside my window, a mockingbird sang. Early this morning, in a lonely corner, my house phone rang. I let it ring and ring, while looking out the window, hoping to hear any bird sing.
In hopes the caller would give up, I continued to let the phone ring. He didn’t hang up. Dad knew I was home. His instructions were clear. I knew what to bring. The time had come to keep my word. The promise I made him in the presence of a lively mockingbird.
On that day, as the mockingbird sang, with his weak voice, he said, “There is no better way, to spend my last day. Please hold my hand, until you feel my last breath. The pain I feel now, may be worse than death.”
In a crackling voice, he went on to say, “Son, I am dying. There is no sense in crying. When the time comes, I need you to be strong. I need to know you’re going to be okay, after I am gone.”
I once thought he moved to Oregon to be close to mom, his one and only bride. He confessed that long ago, he decided on assisted suicide. He chose me, his only son, to be by his bedside. As painful as this was, his wish was something that could not be denied.
After countless rings, I answered the phone. In a soft and weak whisper, he said, “It’s time. Please come alone.”
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“I Like It”
“I Like It”
Her ill-intended words are music to my ears. Her well-intended silence is always a stab to my heart and in the strangest way, it somehow soothes my deepest fears. I like it.
Do I love her that much or am I addicted to pain? Perhaps I simply don’t like to complain. If she asked, for her, I would end my life with a choke chain. This may bring fear to some, but I like it.
Strangers would argue that I’m mentally unstable and emotionally abused. Those who know me, are aware that my love for her is real. I love her with all of her defects. I love the pain she inflicts on me and the way it makes me feel. I really like it.
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“Holes in My Soul”
“Holes in My Soul”
In exchange for luxuries and riches, over time, I sold pieces of my soul to a tall and chisel-faced man. Doing so left many holes in my soul. I still walk strong, but in this earthly world, my soul is weak and I can’t remember when these deals began. The hell that awaits me is eternal. No fireman can put out the fire, for the flames are not external.
To turn back time or to temporarily freeze it, is something I wish I could achieve. If I could, I would cleanse my soul of all my sins and erase all the damage and pain I imposed on others for my own gain. Unknowingly and without benefit to them, I left holes in their souls.
I would be lying if I said that I did not enjoy selling bits of my soul and closing the deal. The admiration and prestige that the luxuries and riches gave me, although false and temporary, is something that I always wanted to feel.
At the time, I did not think of the future. Today, my future is here and I know that my end is near. I do not remember where or how I made this deal. At times, from a distance, I see the man. He is still tall. His image is dark and his once chiseled face no longer holds a figure.
To avoid him, some may attempt to pray as they turn and walk away. I know better. I can’t get away. The time has come for my debts to pay.
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“Die Alone”
“Die Alone”
As I lay here, weak and alone, I often ask myself, “Will I die alone?”
While conversing with my social worker and remembering the times I mistreated my nurse, I share with her my feelings and I wonder at times if I live with a self-imposed curse.
Have I cheated death? Some say I have. Shit! I know I have! Without discrimination, whether we are dead poor or full of wealth, death arrives to all without giving this consideration.
Did cheating death give me life or simply prolong my pain? As I ask myself this question, I look around to see what I held onto from all that I did for my personal gain. I see nothing but I do feel pain.
My room is empty. My walls look strange for I have no more photos to rearrange. Like my room, my heart feels empty. With every beat, it reminds me that it is still healthy.
The need to love and to be loved keeps me on the move, knocking on doors which I have previously and personally closed. As I knock on these doors, I once again ask myself “Is this curse self-imposed?”
Unable to find answers, I continue to wonder if my fear is because my death is near. Although I once felt like a king, commanding from his throne, I now feel helpless, wondering if I will die alone.
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